JUST WHEN THINGS WERE GETTING EASY

despite our best efforts, ari has been struggling to pack on the pounds. on friday, he failed his weigh in and actually lost weight. it was decided then and there that we were going to the hospital. he needed a feeding tube. we went home, packed our things and waited for david. we weren't sure what we were getting into, but we knew we were going to be there for a few days.

we answered a lot of questions and the doctors talked about our weekend game plan. after we were settled, it was time for the feeding tube. the nurses warned us that it was completely normal for him to gag or vomit. luckily, that didn't happen. he was just realllllly mad. they walked us through each step so we knew how to do it ourselves when we got home. i had been through a few blood draws with ari to prepare me for this moment. so it only felt like a small child kicked me in the heart when the tube started going down his nose. after 10 minutes he forgot there was anything stuck to his face.

our time at the hospital went by so slowly. the days were never-ending. it was the longest three days of my life. entertaining a 10 month old is hard. the floors at the hospital weren't the cleanest (not that ours are amazing) so we couldn't just let him crawl around. there was a plastic car that we could push him around in. and push we did. several times a day. what else were we supposed to do?

it was a hard weekend. i had really bad anxiety and couldn't sleep. i'm glad i had david. he is always calm and rational. essentially, the opposite of me. my anxiety peaked after the first night in the hospital. when david walked in on saturday morning i started to cry. i was so relieved to see him. he slept at the hospital the following two nights. but i couldn't sleep at home either.

ari was able to put on some weight at the hospital. a huge relief. now we know he's just not into food. he will be on a feeding tube for a while.

i know we will get used to this. i know that it won't feel hard forever.

this is our new normal.

9 MONTHS

over the past few months people kept saying things like, "oh it get's easier at three months" or "after six months things will be better." well three and six months came and went and things were still pretty hard. it was a hard that we got used to, but hard none the less. but after nine months, i finally feel like things are easy. easy is obviously a relative term. don't get me wrong, we still have our moments.  there are days that feel never-ending. there are moments that make me question being a stay at home mom. but we're more than just getting by now. things are pretty damn good. 

some days being a mom is harder than others. when your dog has to have blood work done or get shots, they take him in the back and you never have to see a thing. when it's your baby's turn, you get a front row seat. you and two phlebotomists have to pin him down while his teary eyes look back at you.